After that weekend I don’t hear from Scottish man for what seems to be longest time ever. Every day on the bus I say to Dimitri ‘Why? Why would he stop calling me?’ Dimitri does not know but talks to me about food and tries to cheer me up. I email Sally from work ‘Sally why why won’t he call?’ I say. She pretends there is static on the line and she can’t hear me.
On Monday I am very blue and decide to exercise lots this week. This means I can eat slightly more for lunch and so I have hummus wraps for lunch and fruit this week.
A tree expert from the environment comes down to visit my office and he is under forty and not yet completely bald in manner of everyone in my office so I am vaguely friendly to him. After he leaves the office he emails me very illiterate email saying ‘for sure to let you know you attractive and welcim to this office’ I forward the email to Sally and we laugh hysterically at his stupidity. ‘For sure to let me know how THAT works out’ emails Sally. From then on we start every sentence with ‘For sure to let you know’. She names him Dyslexic Tree man. Dyslexic Tree Man has taken quite a shining to me after some brief email correspondence and he leaves bottles of wine or flowers or cds on my desk all week. Is kind of annoying because then he pops in to my office to get some recognition of his gifts as I cant email to thank him as that would be encouraging him. Sally has told me to be careful not to encourage him as oft times I have ended up in horrible stalker type scenario. ‘Is because I am so beautiful’ I tell Sally. ‘Is not ‘she says ‘is because you are idiot’. Each day from then on Dyslexic Tree Man tries to get me to go and drink with him.
I go home and overeat because of anxiety of not hearing from Scottish man. I make Prawns and Pancetta mixed through linguine with sweet chilli, chilli oil and avocado oil and baby spinach leaves. I eat three bowls full and lie on the couch dejectedly. Jake tries to watch television and I am so horrible to him that he leaves the room.
The next day I feel sick and go back to eating lentil soup in the evenings but other than this the same practice occurs all week until Friday when Tree man asks me for a drink for the 20th time this week. I decide I might actually go even though he has started to repulse me with his over-eagerness. Feel should make friends at horrible work and make an effort with people. Also, and mainly, am dying to drink and have no one to drink with.
Over email trying to organise quick drink he makes the biggest deal ever of it and I instantly regret decision to agree to it and feel pressure. This is how to not pursue a girl if you are a late 30 something desperate man. He says he will go home and get changed and come back and pick me up. I say ‘no, I will just have a drink with you at pub outside work then catch my bus’. He says ‘how about you come to my house and ill pour you a wine’. I say ‘no, ill have a quick drink with you at the pub by work’. He says ‘these pubs are no good, come to a nearby village. I’ll drive you to Oxford first so you can shower and get changed’. I was starting to be a bit horrified. I firmly say I will have one drink at the pub, as I figure he might be less desperate and pushy outside the office environment. The first thing he says when we get there is ‘I’ll buy the drink but don’t have the expensive wine’. Who would say that? I invert my rage. I order the expensive wine. Then he tells me about how he is into Japanese fencing which I think is a boring and geeky thing to be into. He goes on about this for 20 minutes. The only interesting bit was that he is interested in Japanese food too and I sit up and ask if he has eaten at Nobu, in manner of Victoria Beckham. He looks confused and has clearly never heard of Nobu. When I tell him that it is expensive and high rolling restaurant he says ‘well I can see I’m going to have to earn a lot more money to keep YOU’. There are so many things wrong with this statement that I don’t know where to start. Is most presumptuous thing I have ever heard.
I slump back and pick at fingernail thinking he is a real dick. He asks no questions of me, and when I start to speak he talks louder and louder over me until I stop. This is worst conversation technique ever. I rue the day I was vaguely friendly to him. Then he starts what can only be described as a wife interview. He states that all his friends are married and do I want children and what is my relationship history. I am making snarly comments with lip curled, when I get a text from Scottish man. I read phone and jump up from table and run out the door while Dyslexic Tree Man is still in the middle of sentence. He is dead to me as would rather go and sit in a pub alone and text Scottish man than be with DTM for a moment longer. I end up back in Oxford having four red wines and ordering Spaghetti Arabiatta at local Italian. Tomato pasta far better than ordering creamy pasta and red wine has anti oxidants in it. Is fun eating alone with no one to annoy me and nothing to do but wait for the reassuring bleep of the phone with Scottish mans next funny text. Not very good diet day but I have exercised four times this week in order to avoid house of horror. Am quite fat though.
How to frantically lose weight while obsessed with hot chips.
