Week One in Oxford

Finally have to start work in Oxford and start spending time there. New job in Oxford is in small town called Crowmarsh Gifford. Population is like 14 people and everyone in my office is over 50 and wearing short sleeve shirts with tie. Worst fashion faux pas ever. Noone is amusing. Office backs onto an actual swamp and I have to wait for infrequent bus outside graveyard which has no light. I get mud every day on my expensive High Heels. Noone else wears high heels.

Have long bus ride everyday into Country backwater. Get up before Jake everyday and get skinny decaf coffee in the Oxford High Street. Have packed out my little cupboard at work with Ryvitas, Muller Lights, and have sliced chicken breasts and mustard on Ryvita for lunch. In evenings I have Spicy Lentil Organic Soup. As have no friends in Oxford yet and Jake does not speak, have plenty of time to gym in evenings. I manage Monday Tuesday and Wednesday to do classes but Thursday I am too weak, as soup for dinner and no bread can make you all lovely and weak and fainty.

Have also started having smoothies every day. I use mango and skimmed milk and is only 1.5 weight watcher points. Is great way to start the day. Does cause problems as in the rush I have to leave Mango skin and pulp all over kitchen and Jake gets into rage when he gets up. This was ok at first because I was long gone but then he worked out you can be abusive over email and I got what is now referred to as the famous ‘list’. This was a list that arrived by email from him one day with a list of all the things I do wrong. I forward this around my friends and after the horror subsides we mock him and draft our own list about him such as ‘is pale skinny English man with no tan’.

I manage to gym 5 times in one week. In the isolation of the countryside, my only contact is emailing Sally all day at work to find out how many calories we are consuming. I can not buy Laura Mercier or Mac Makeup in Oxford. Have ugly bald face and squinty eyes as a result. This does not matter as noone over 50 in office to see. On verge of depression but scales tell me am between 61 and 62kg which makes it almost worth it.

Friday night arrives and friends Vince and Hermione announce they are coming up to big flash house on river for dinner. I experience joy like have never known joy before. I clean house from top to bottom and Jake comments that this is first time have contributed to housework since moving in.

I prepare full menu with what is in fridge. I make Thai Coconut and Lentil soup and then pan seared Hare with Strawberry dressing. Then I stuff tiny roasted Quails and make Parmesan and Sun dried Tomato Polenta with it and Beans. Am tired and sweaty when we finally eat it. Vince has smuggled out of London across the border some Laura Mercier Makeup and I nearly weep with Joy. I give him extra helpings.

Scottish man texts and I read text under table, he says: ‘having Friday night with the boys -they are not as entertaining as you’.

Gay John texts and says: ‘How is your cold loveless home on the swamp? Please note I am in theatre surrounded by celebrities. London is fabulous. Mwah’.