On Monday it was the most glorious moment waking up and calling in sick and knowing I would not have to see or talk to the Christian. I tried to get Jake to call in sick too but he takes his job all seriously and wouldn't. Also I think he liked the idea that I would stay home and cook for him and stuff which I was quite excited about doing but only for one day because then I would get bitter and resentful in manner of Sadie the cleaning lady.
I got up and watched back to back episodes of Friends and Scrubs and then realised it was midday and I hadn't done anything. I wandered into Oxford city centre and went to the covered markets. I had decided to make devilled sausages for Jake and so got all the ingredients. Then I met him for lunch in a gorgeus little pub with the yummiest wine list and fancy menu. I had squash and haloumi risotto and Jake had macaroni cheese and I ate half of his and all of mine and had two glasses of wine as well. Then he went back to work and I wandered home feeling full and got dinner on.
Then I boredly prowled round the house waiting for Jake to be home. Man being a housewife sucks. I looked around for some Valium but there was none so I wiled away the afternoon trying to hack in to Jake's neighbour's broadband. The happiest moment was when he finally came through the door and ended the monotony. And then, interesingly, he continued it, with a blow by blow account of his utterly boring day. He loved my devilled sausages on a crispy Jacket potato though. Then I realised I had forgotten to do my run. Decided I only have to run on workdays.
Day 14 Back on Track
Today was Sunday but we had obligations. Had to get up early and drive 20 minutes away to take Jake's grandmother out for a pub lunch. Jake's grandmother is the Matriarch of the family and at 89 she is funnier than he is. And smarter, but then she IS a woman and he IS a man so it stands to reason.
When we arrived to pick her up she grabbed my hand and took me into her bedroom to show me her new outfit and also to bitch about other members of his family and turn me against them. This I find quite reasonable and is likely what I would spend my time doing at 89 so that is fine. We took her out for lunch and we had a glass of wine and I had a Thai vegetable curry and they had fish and chips which looked the yummiest.
After that we dropped her back off and went to museum and then to some markets and I tried to buy some boots. Everytime I tried some on they fitted my feet but when I zipped them up a roll of calf fat would appear over the top of the boot. I was horrified. This is a new level of fatness. One shop lady tried to get me to buy them anyway. I got the rage. In the end I dropped some boots on the floor and stormed out cursing all the stupid boots and boot makers in the world. Jake embarrassedly picked them up and put them back on the shelves and muttered 'frightfully sorry' because he's English even though there was noone around.
Actually earlier that day he demonstrated his Englishness because we went past this tiny butchers shop in Lavenham which always cuts up its different sausages and puts them on the counter for people to taste. I saw it and said 'oh YAY free sausages yum' and Jake fumbled round and said 'oh God are you going in there to eat their sausages?' and I ignored him and excitedly bounded in and tasted every single sausage and then was about to bound out again when Jake entered after me, having obviously been grappling with his issues outside. 'Oh' he said 'there are some sausages oh how nice' and then muttered 'must pop back later' and muttered something about 'perhaps buy some' and halfheartedly took one and then raced outside after me. I looked at him. Sometimes I feel sorry for the effort it must take to be that socially awkward.
Anyway for dinner we went to a buffet on a Jazz boat and I ate four helpings and three wines because I felt the need to get my moneys worth. Afterwards I felt so sick and uncomfortable that Jake and I decided that I was too full to go to work on Monday and should stay home and be his missus.
When we arrived to pick her up she grabbed my hand and took me into her bedroom to show me her new outfit and also to bitch about other members of his family and turn me against them. This I find quite reasonable and is likely what I would spend my time doing at 89 so that is fine. We took her out for lunch and we had a glass of wine and I had a Thai vegetable curry and they had fish and chips which looked the yummiest.
After that we dropped her back off and went to museum and then to some markets and I tried to buy some boots. Everytime I tried some on they fitted my feet but when I zipped them up a roll of calf fat would appear over the top of the boot. I was horrified. This is a new level of fatness. One shop lady tried to get me to buy them anyway. I got the rage. In the end I dropped some boots on the floor and stormed out cursing all the stupid boots and boot makers in the world. Jake embarrassedly picked them up and put them back on the shelves and muttered 'frightfully sorry' because he's English even though there was noone around.
Actually earlier that day he demonstrated his Englishness because we went past this tiny butchers shop in Lavenham which always cuts up its different sausages and puts them on the counter for people to taste. I saw it and said 'oh YAY free sausages yum' and Jake fumbled round and said 'oh God are you going in there to eat their sausages?' and I ignored him and excitedly bounded in and tasted every single sausage and then was about to bound out again when Jake entered after me, having obviously been grappling with his issues outside. 'Oh' he said 'there are some sausages oh how nice' and then muttered 'must pop back later' and muttered something about 'perhaps buy some' and halfheartedly took one and then raced outside after me. I looked at him. Sometimes I feel sorry for the effort it must take to be that socially awkward.
Anyway for dinner we went to a buffet on a Jazz boat and I ate four helpings and three wines because I felt the need to get my moneys worth. Afterwards I felt so sick and uncomfortable that Jake and I decided that I was too full to go to work on Monday and should stay home and be his missus.
Day 13 Back on Track
On Saturday morning Jake picked me up to go see his Mum. Normally you aren't supposed to be so excited about going to see the in-laws but I Love Jake's mum because she cooks the most beautiful food in all of the world. Last time we went she made a dish called 'sexy red rice' which was red rice soaked in apple juice and with peppers and Pomegranate seeds. Yummiest and healthiest. Then she made a Thai icecream for pudding with coconut milk and chili in it and it was a taste sensation.
She also lives in the most beautiful village called Lavenham and all the houses are wonky and crooked and it's tiny and a horror film was filmed there called The Witchfinder General and it's the coolest. So for me it's the happiest place in the world but of course to be cool when anyone said 'what are you up to this weekend?' I rolled my eyeballs into my head and was all 'oh have to go and see Jake's mom LAME' etc.
Wwe arrived she had made beautiful spicy citrus risotto and baked salmon done perfectly. It was the yummiest. When Jake gets there he talks for two minutes and then reverts to being a teenager and leaves me to make the conversation and help with the dishes and housework. This is OK because when me and his mum go to the kitchen to clean up and do things I can 'confide' in her about our 'relationship difficulties' but what I am really doing is telling on him so he gets in trouble. Funniest. And I can find out stuff like when he used to write love letters to his first girlfriend and then I can mock him about it later and call him a big giant homo and stuff.
For the rest of Saturday all I ate was a bag of Kettle chips and a small box of Jellybeans and Special K for breakfast. Have decided to relax foodwise over the weekend as have some food events to attend and also because on Monday I am going to start Shue's regime of running miles every day.
She also lives in the most beautiful village called Lavenham and all the houses are wonky and crooked and it's tiny and a horror film was filmed there called The Witchfinder General and it's the coolest. So for me it's the happiest place in the world but of course to be cool when anyone said 'what are you up to this weekend?' I rolled my eyeballs into my head and was all 'oh have to go and see Jake's mom LAME' etc.
Wwe arrived she had made beautiful spicy citrus risotto and baked salmon done perfectly. It was the yummiest. When Jake gets there he talks for two minutes and then reverts to being a teenager and leaves me to make the conversation and help with the dishes and housework. This is OK because when me and his mum go to the kitchen to clean up and do things I can 'confide' in her about our 'relationship difficulties' but what I am really doing is telling on him so he gets in trouble. Funniest. And I can find out stuff like when he used to write love letters to his first girlfriend and then I can mock him about it later and call him a big giant homo and stuff.
For the rest of Saturday all I ate was a bag of Kettle chips and a small box of Jellybeans and Special K for breakfast. Have decided to relax foodwise over the weekend as have some food events to attend and also because on Monday I am going to start Shue's regime of running miles every day.
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