Have gained weight from unhappiness binges so decide to sign up for a 10k run and start training. First long run I do of 8k I meet American girl at the pub afterwards and I order a grilled chicken burger and it accidently comes with fries and I accidently eat them all and three beers. Then the tiredness and lethargy hits and I slump and head home.
This week I run Monday Tuesday and then Wednesday lunchtime. I go back to smoothies and a fight with Jake for breakfast, and crumpets. Then for lunch I have the canteen ladies soup as long as she has not put cream in it. But often she does but not very much or so she says and I pretend to believe her. Tree man comes into our office every day and tries to get my attention. It is excruciating. He talks to other people and I keep my head down but he talks louder and louder so I notice him. Then he comes over and stands too close and I have to keep wheeling my chair back. Is gross. Routine of running, being harassed by tree man and making fish and salads in the evening is depressing me but then clouds part and Jake is forced to go away the upcoming weekend for a stag night. HURRAH have brilliant most exciting opportunity to have a dinner party with friends and everyone can come and stay and not have Jake yelling at me and being awkward. There is room for normal people from London to come and stay and ill cook beautiful food all day in the kitchen and then serve it. Calmly and in no way hysterically and full of rage.
Decide to have Seth and Bree and Vince and Hermione and Jennifer and Andre up. I tell them to bring booze and then I start planning the menu. Have decided to make crayfish on sweet potato rostis with my mothers red pepper cream sauce for a starter. Then will bake huge pork in tinfoil with onions for five hours till it all falls apart when mixed with a fork and mix with onions and bbq sauce and will serve with coleslaw and Cajun wedges and buns. Will be like a southern American feast and very meaty so the boys will be happy. Spend Wednesday night and Thursday night buying ingredients. I have taken over the entire fridge.
In the meantime CAG is beside herself because her derelict lover will not see her anymore and has told her to stay away from him because she is mental. I am on phone to her, buying meat from butcher with one hand and ticking of list of ingredients in other hand at the oxford market. CAG says that she has started to stalk her derelict lover and recently followed him to a dinner party then crashed the dinner party and screamed at him until she was forcibly removed. While she is talking the phone beeps and it is Scottish man ringing through. Have been so busy I nearly forgot to obsess over him. I hang up on CAG and answer. ‘I’m coming to Oxford tomorrow night for the weekend and watching the Rugby on Saturday’ he says. ‘I have a dinner to go to, come as my date’. ‘Can not come’ I tell Scottish man ‘I am cooking dinner party Saturday and will be chopping vegetables for all my life is worth on Friday’. ‘Fine’ he says ‘Ill come to your place and take you out for dinner locally’. ‘Ok’ I say, but very locally because I have lots of chopping to do. ‘I will help you peel and chop’ he says. ‘Am I invited to your dinner party?’ he asks. Is interesting question because I will be the only unpartnered person there, so it could be ideal.
However, he is planning to watch rugby all day Saturday with his friends elsewhere in Oxford and will be very very drunk by Saturday evening. Also need to punish him for lack of contact recently. Would not be good to introduce new very drunk guy to friends especially when his contact is unreliable and intermittent. I tell him no he is not invited but he can take me to dinner Friday and come round later Saturday and have a drink after dinner party is over. I thank the lord that Jake is out of town, and that Scottish man is only mildly annoyed that I live with my ex and he is not above violating the code and staying in the house while Jake is absent.
Week Oxford
After that weekend I don’t hear from Scottish man for what seems to be longest time ever. Every day on the bus I say to Dimitri ‘Why? Why would he stop calling me?’ Dimitri does not know but talks to me about food and tries to cheer me up. I email Sally from work ‘Sally why why won’t he call?’ I say. She pretends there is static on the line and she can’t hear me.
On Monday I am very blue and decide to exercise lots this week. This means I can eat slightly more for lunch and so I have hummus wraps for lunch and fruit this week.
A tree expert from the environment comes down to visit my office and he is under forty and not yet completely bald in manner of everyone in my office so I am vaguely friendly to him. After he leaves the office he emails me very illiterate email saying ‘for sure to let you know you attractive and welcim to this office’ I forward the email to Sally and we laugh hysterically at his stupidity. ‘For sure to let me know how THAT works out’ emails Sally. From then on we start every sentence with ‘For sure to let you know’. She names him Dyslexic Tree man. Dyslexic Tree Man has taken quite a shining to me after some brief email correspondence and he leaves bottles of wine or flowers or cds on my desk all week. Is kind of annoying because then he pops in to my office to get some recognition of his gifts as I cant email to thank him as that would be encouraging him. Sally has told me to be careful not to encourage him as oft times I have ended up in horrible stalker type scenario. ‘Is because I am so beautiful’ I tell Sally. ‘Is not ‘she says ‘is because you are idiot’. Each day from then on Dyslexic Tree Man tries to get me to go and drink with him.
I go home and overeat because of anxiety of not hearing from Scottish man. I make Prawns and Pancetta mixed through linguine with sweet chilli, chilli oil and avocado oil and baby spinach leaves. I eat three bowls full and lie on the couch dejectedly. Jake tries to watch television and I am so horrible to him that he leaves the room.
The next day I feel sick and go back to eating lentil soup in the evenings but other than this the same practice occurs all week until Friday when Tree man asks me for a drink for the 20th time this week. I decide I might actually go even though he has started to repulse me with his over-eagerness. Feel should make friends at horrible work and make an effort with people. Also, and mainly, am dying to drink and have no one to drink with.
Over email trying to organise quick drink he makes the biggest deal ever of it and I instantly regret decision to agree to it and feel pressure. This is how to not pursue a girl if you are a late 30 something desperate man. He says he will go home and get changed and come back and pick me up. I say ‘no, I will just have a drink with you at pub outside work then catch my bus’. He says ‘how about you come to my house and ill pour you a wine’. I say ‘no, ill have a quick drink with you at the pub by work’. He says ‘these pubs are no good, come to a nearby village. I’ll drive you to Oxford first so you can shower and get changed’. I was starting to be a bit horrified. I firmly say I will have one drink at the pub, as I figure he might be less desperate and pushy outside the office environment. The first thing he says when we get there is ‘I’ll buy the drink but don’t have the expensive wine’. Who would say that? I invert my rage. I order the expensive wine. Then he tells me about how he is into Japanese fencing which I think is a boring and geeky thing to be into. He goes on about this for 20 minutes. The only interesting bit was that he is interested in Japanese food too and I sit up and ask if he has eaten at Nobu, in manner of Victoria Beckham. He looks confused and has clearly never heard of Nobu. When I tell him that it is expensive and high rolling restaurant he says ‘well I can see I’m going to have to earn a lot more money to keep YOU’. There are so many things wrong with this statement that I don’t know where to start. Is most presumptuous thing I have ever heard.
I slump back and pick at fingernail thinking he is a real dick. He asks no questions of me, and when I start to speak he talks louder and louder over me until I stop. This is worst conversation technique ever. I rue the day I was vaguely friendly to him. Then he starts what can only be described as a wife interview. He states that all his friends are married and do I want children and what is my relationship history. I am making snarly comments with lip curled, when I get a text from Scottish man. I read phone and jump up from table and run out the door while Dyslexic Tree Man is still in the middle of sentence. He is dead to me as would rather go and sit in a pub alone and text Scottish man than be with DTM for a moment longer. I end up back in Oxford having four red wines and ordering Spaghetti Arabiatta at local Italian. Tomato pasta far better than ordering creamy pasta and red wine has anti oxidants in it. Is fun eating alone with no one to annoy me and nothing to do but wait for the reassuring bleep of the phone with Scottish mans next funny text. Not very good diet day but I have exercised four times this week in order to avoid house of horror. Am quite fat though.
On Monday I am very blue and decide to exercise lots this week. This means I can eat slightly more for lunch and so I have hummus wraps for lunch and fruit this week.
A tree expert from the environment comes down to visit my office and he is under forty and not yet completely bald in manner of everyone in my office so I am vaguely friendly to him. After he leaves the office he emails me very illiterate email saying ‘for sure to let you know you attractive and welcim to this office’ I forward the email to Sally and we laugh hysterically at his stupidity. ‘For sure to let me know how THAT works out’ emails Sally. From then on we start every sentence with ‘For sure to let you know’. She names him Dyslexic Tree man. Dyslexic Tree Man has taken quite a shining to me after some brief email correspondence and he leaves bottles of wine or flowers or cds on my desk all week. Is kind of annoying because then he pops in to my office to get some recognition of his gifts as I cant email to thank him as that would be encouraging him. Sally has told me to be careful not to encourage him as oft times I have ended up in horrible stalker type scenario. ‘Is because I am so beautiful’ I tell Sally. ‘Is not ‘she says ‘is because you are idiot’. Each day from then on Dyslexic Tree Man tries to get me to go and drink with him.
I go home and overeat because of anxiety of not hearing from Scottish man. I make Prawns and Pancetta mixed through linguine with sweet chilli, chilli oil and avocado oil and baby spinach leaves. I eat three bowls full and lie on the couch dejectedly. Jake tries to watch television and I am so horrible to him that he leaves the room.
The next day I feel sick and go back to eating lentil soup in the evenings but other than this the same practice occurs all week until Friday when Tree man asks me for a drink for the 20th time this week. I decide I might actually go even though he has started to repulse me with his over-eagerness. Feel should make friends at horrible work and make an effort with people. Also, and mainly, am dying to drink and have no one to drink with.
Over email trying to organise quick drink he makes the biggest deal ever of it and I instantly regret decision to agree to it and feel pressure. This is how to not pursue a girl if you are a late 30 something desperate man. He says he will go home and get changed and come back and pick me up. I say ‘no, I will just have a drink with you at pub outside work then catch my bus’. He says ‘how about you come to my house and ill pour you a wine’. I say ‘no, ill have a quick drink with you at the pub by work’. He says ‘these pubs are no good, come to a nearby village. I’ll drive you to Oxford first so you can shower and get changed’. I was starting to be a bit horrified. I firmly say I will have one drink at the pub, as I figure he might be less desperate and pushy outside the office environment. The first thing he says when we get there is ‘I’ll buy the drink but don’t have the expensive wine’. Who would say that? I invert my rage. I order the expensive wine. Then he tells me about how he is into Japanese fencing which I think is a boring and geeky thing to be into. He goes on about this for 20 minutes. The only interesting bit was that he is interested in Japanese food too and I sit up and ask if he has eaten at Nobu, in manner of Victoria Beckham. He looks confused and has clearly never heard of Nobu. When I tell him that it is expensive and high rolling restaurant he says ‘well I can see I’m going to have to earn a lot more money to keep YOU’. There are so many things wrong with this statement that I don’t know where to start. Is most presumptuous thing I have ever heard.
I slump back and pick at fingernail thinking he is a real dick. He asks no questions of me, and when I start to speak he talks louder and louder over me until I stop. This is worst conversation technique ever. I rue the day I was vaguely friendly to him. Then he starts what can only be described as a wife interview. He states that all his friends are married and do I want children and what is my relationship history. I am making snarly comments with lip curled, when I get a text from Scottish man. I read phone and jump up from table and run out the door while Dyslexic Tree Man is still in the middle of sentence. He is dead to me as would rather go and sit in a pub alone and text Scottish man than be with DTM for a moment longer. I end up back in Oxford having four red wines and ordering Spaghetti Arabiatta at local Italian. Tomato pasta far better than ordering creamy pasta and red wine has anti oxidants in it. Is fun eating alone with no one to annoy me and nothing to do but wait for the reassuring bleep of the phone with Scottish mans next funny text. Not very good diet day but I have exercised four times this week in order to avoid house of horror. Am quite fat though.
Weekend
Scottish man calls and says he was sick and not coming to Oxford. I am horrified that it could be lie in manner of typical man so hope that he is not in arms of another woman. The emotional frustration actually gave me energy and I went to the gym early on Saturday morning - concept previously unheard of.
On the way back from the gym at 10.00am Saturday morning I got a text from CAG. ‘Can you please spare some time for me I am so depressed‘ it says. I went to her house which was actually good because I did not have to go home and risk bumping into Jake. I let myself into her apartment which is around the corner from big flash house. She is drinking a beer, has a Yankees sweater and cap on and is wearing NO MAKEUP. ‘Pull yourself together’ I say hysterically ‘oh my god I can’t LOOK at you put something on your face!’ I make gagging sounds and cover my eyes until she eventually goes into her bathroom and makes a slight effort with her appearance.
‘What are you depressed for?’ I say. ‘My life ‘she says, swigging her beer. She seems a little bit disorientated. I ask her how long she has been drinking as its still morning and she says ‘oh this is my first beer I just took these sleeping pills last night and woke up holding some candy and a banana and I don’t really know where I got them from.’ ‘Cra-zy.’ I think. But also is cool and I imagine she is taking Vicadin in manner or Dr House.
‘You know what I want, I wanna bake a fucking CAKE man’ she says. ‘I want some microwave Cake mix’. ‘We don’t do that in this Country’ I say ’I will help you bake a cake from scratch’. She loses interest and drinks more so I drag her up the road to my house. She moans and swears loudly all the way there.
I keep my baking cupboard full at all times in case I ever allow myself to bake a cake and then eat it. I took out all the ingredients for a simple Nigella Chocolate Loaf and the recipe. I tell her to do exactly what recipe says. I leave her in the kitchen and she suddenly goes quiet and starts to concentrate. It was like getting a baby off to sleep when you have been up with it for hours. I left her alone and did some homework. I checked on her periodically and she was happily weighing and measuring flour and chocolate. Finally the chocolate cake was made. At lunchtime Jake came home and CAG and I had also whipped up some pasta and started a bottle of Merlot. We had taken the cake, pasta, and Merlot outside and we were sitting on the balcony overlooking the river toasting ourselves. CAG dropped her dish of pasta, and one glass, but we were not deterred. Then she announced she wanted to get stoned. I don’t love drugs but I think its quite rock and roll when other people do it as long as I don’t have to. Five minutes later her ‘dealer’ arrived at our house, walking right through the house to deliver it to her on the balcony personally. Jake stormed out onto the balcony and gave us a long lecture about allowing criminals to walk through our house when he is a lawyer. He was not however above helping CAG smoke her new drugs though.
Today I have had half a bottle of wine, Chocolate Cake, pasta, gone to the gym and then finish the icing out of the bowl after CAG and Jake fell asleep on the sofas. Oh and weigh self and am back to 64kgs.
On the way back from the gym at 10.00am Saturday morning I got a text from CAG. ‘Can you please spare some time for me I am so depressed‘ it says. I went to her house which was actually good because I did not have to go home and risk bumping into Jake. I let myself into her apartment which is around the corner from big flash house. She is drinking a beer, has a Yankees sweater and cap on and is wearing NO MAKEUP. ‘Pull yourself together’ I say hysterically ‘oh my god I can’t LOOK at you put something on your face!’ I make gagging sounds and cover my eyes until she eventually goes into her bathroom and makes a slight effort with her appearance.
‘What are you depressed for?’ I say. ‘My life ‘she says, swigging her beer. She seems a little bit disorientated. I ask her how long she has been drinking as its still morning and she says ‘oh this is my first beer I just took these sleeping pills last night and woke up holding some candy and a banana and I don’t really know where I got them from.’ ‘Cra-zy.’ I think. But also is cool and I imagine she is taking Vicadin in manner or Dr House.
‘You know what I want, I wanna bake a fucking CAKE man’ she says. ‘I want some microwave Cake mix’. ‘We don’t do that in this Country’ I say ’I will help you bake a cake from scratch’. She loses interest and drinks more so I drag her up the road to my house. She moans and swears loudly all the way there.
I keep my baking cupboard full at all times in case I ever allow myself to bake a cake and then eat it. I took out all the ingredients for a simple Nigella Chocolate Loaf and the recipe. I tell her to do exactly what recipe says. I leave her in the kitchen and she suddenly goes quiet and starts to concentrate. It was like getting a baby off to sleep when you have been up with it for hours. I left her alone and did some homework. I checked on her periodically and she was happily weighing and measuring flour and chocolate. Finally the chocolate cake was made. At lunchtime Jake came home and CAG and I had also whipped up some pasta and started a bottle of Merlot. We had taken the cake, pasta, and Merlot outside and we were sitting on the balcony overlooking the river toasting ourselves. CAG dropped her dish of pasta, and one glass, but we were not deterred. Then she announced she wanted to get stoned. I don’t love drugs but I think its quite rock and roll when other people do it as long as I don’t have to. Five minutes later her ‘dealer’ arrived at our house, walking right through the house to deliver it to her on the balcony personally. Jake stormed out onto the balcony and gave us a long lecture about allowing criminals to walk through our house when he is a lawyer. He was not however above helping CAG smoke her new drugs though.
Today I have had half a bottle of wine, Chocolate Cake, pasta, gone to the gym and then finish the icing out of the bowl after CAG and Jake fell asleep on the sofas. Oh and weigh self and am back to 64kgs.
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